What Remains

Disclaimer: Babylon 5 and its characters don't belong to me. The characters mentioned all belong to J. Michael Straczynski.

"What Remains"
by Christine Anderson
aka Anla'shok Ivanova
Written for the Theatrical Muse 'desert island' challenge.

My life has been a desert island.

When an uncaring universe has taken from you all that was bright and good in your life, what remains does not matter. I recall packing to leave Soom after Isabelle's death, after the Circle had made the decision to flee. I recall looking at my possessions, tools, props for various illusions, screens and data crystals, clothing and the odd memento. I recall arbitrarily tossing this and that into my bags, not caring. It did not seem to matter what I kept, what I left behind.

What I left behind...

What I left behind became more important than what I took. I left behind a childhood friend, whom I had foolishly, arrogantly shown the secret of my spell. On the night I discovered it, before I knew what it might conjure- and forbidden, as an apprentice, to cast a spell without Elric present, I had no way of finding out... I showed her, and she remembered it, remembered more than I wished her to. And like many damned with forbidden knowledge, she paid for it. In my darkest nightmares I never imagined how she might be forced to pay...

When I left Soom, I took too much. And not enough.

When I left the hiding place of my order, perhaps I did not take enough. But I took what I considered important. My staff, Elric's gift to me upon my initiation. The staff has become a part of me, an extension of my hand. My ship, an extension of me as the staff is. And, for the last, I took my secrets and my discoveries, and all of the files that contain them. I took the legacies of those who have passed on; Burell's files, Isabelle's, Elric's.

In the end, these things, and these gifts from the lost, were all I had that I felt was truly mine.