Guilt and Memory
Disclaimer: Babylon 5 and its characters don't belong to me. The characters mentioned all belong to J. Michael Straczynski.
"Guilt and Memory"
by Christine Anderson
aka Anla'shok Ivanova
Written for the Theatrical Muse 'guilty indulgences' challenge.
Memory is Anna's guiltiest indulgence. Allowing herself to remember- to remember all of it.
She thinks of it as an indulgence because at times the memories almost feel as if they belong to someone else; she can sit there, thinking back to her wedding day, and she feels like she is spying upon another woman.
It hurts like dying.
And she knows that she should know better; that these things she can't touch anymore, she ought to let go. But she can't. The guilt is still there, but so is the pull to remember. She and John in those old days, dinners with Lizzie, the digs before Z'ha'dum, before she even knew how far she had to fall...
Maybe she has earned it, this indulgence. Maybe she has earned the right, through all of her pain, to remember the good times while they were still good. But the guilt still hovers over her.
And the truth is that she prefers it to that other guilt, the guilt that lingers like the ghost of the Shadows- dancing in the dark, each turn a fresh atrocity. And she didn't chose it, had no choice in the matter, but the guilt burns. Worse than dying, it burns.
It's no wonder the memories of the life before call to her so loudly.
Because those other memories- they scream.