Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

"Standing Stones" (1/?)
by Christine Anderson
aka Lilly Malfoy

Strict but fair. Stern, steady. This is how they see me, how they have always seen me. But there are things they don't know, things they will never know. The things we saw, what we learned in those dark days when Voldemort was rising- and how it was, how it really was.

They don't know that I had to become what I am, simply to survive. They don't understand that if I hadn't learned how to close it off, compartmentalize all of the pain and anger, I would not have been able to go on. If I hadn't become steady Minerva, Dumbledore's rock, Severus' anchor- I would not have been anything at all. I had to be their strong and steady one, and so I could not break. Because they needed me, needed my steady hand, my steady heart.

What some forget- not Dumbledore, nor ever Severus, but some of the others- is that beneath the facades I still felt it all. I still wept for James and Lily, and the Longbottoms, and all the others we had lost. I still woke from the dreams, the nightmare details straight out of memory, of arriving too late, too bloody late, just in time to see the cloaked figure come out of the house, turn his back on the street, raise his wand- cast the Dark Mark into the sky. Heard the incantation, filed it away in the too perfect recall of my memory.

Saw the figure turn, again, lower his hood. Smile. Oh, that smile. Back at Hogwarts it had always meant trouble, adventure, late nights running along the school halls, dodging ageless, horrid Argus Filch. Running with the Slytherins, in those days before the rivalry was so strong as it is now. How natural it was to follow where that smile led us, even into trouble. And why not? None of us had known then what he was capable of, or what he would become. All we knew then was his charm, his charisma.

Many things had changed- but Lucius Malfoy's smile was still dangerous. Even knowing what he was, what he had done, I could still catch sight of that smile and want to turn to see him there, my friend in those days of old, want to ask him what he'd thought up this time, when we'd only just survived our last bouts of detention. Wanted to listen to him and agree to it, laughing, joking over how we'd better not get caught-

And then time flashed forward behind my eyes, and I realized again that he had grown up, that we had all grown up. That my childhood friend was now my enemy. That he who in the old days had been only Severus Snape's other best friend, was now the man who wore the robes of a Death Eater, who had shot the Dark Mark into the sky above the neighborhood in which I had grown up.

The dreams recall with perfect clarity the gut-stabbing horror of that moment.

Lucius bowed to me. He bowed, and didn't even bother to point his wand at me- as if he didn't consider me a threat. As if he didn't think I was worth the trouble of killing.

In my hand I held the crumpled letter I had received that very evening, less than an hour ago. The letter from my eldest brother, which had sent me running for my broom, flying quickly as I could from Hogwarts (where I'd been trying to make myself useful, teaching my classes as if those things still mattered)- but not quickly enough. I crushed the letter in my fist.

Lucius smiled at the sound of crinkling parchment. "Got my letter, did you? Good."

"Your letter?"

"Yes. My letter. Taliesin needed some help in writing it, you see. In fact I had to dictate most of it to him. But he was a most attentive student. Not that he had a lot of choice..."

Oh, Talley... Talley, I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry...

"Lucius, you- you- Why?" It was all I could say, somehow. Not that I thought there would really be an answer. Not that I wanted to hear his bloody justification. But somehow the words came anyway.

"Because the time has come, Minerva, for choices to be made. I asked your brother to chose. And he chose...poorly." He smiled brightly. "Think about that." And Lucius Disapperated.

There was no need for me to walk into the house. I knew what I would find- knew that they had all been home, my mother, my brothers, the rest of my family. And there was no reason for me to have to see it- But I had to go inside. I had to see it, see what had been done to them.

They had been there, together again when the fight against Voldemort had kept us all scattered across the world, because of me. Because it was my birthday.

I was twenty-two years old that day. A number I would forever hate, a day I would never want to remember, or celebrate.

Of all the horrors within the house, the one that always comes back to me in these dark moments now is the bloodstained birthday cake.

I think it is my mother's blood, as her body- or what remained of it- was closest, but I am not certain.

I sat on the porch steps and wept, not knowing what I should do. I knew that I ought to get ahold of someone- my friends, the Aurors, Dumbledore, someone, but there didn't seem to be much point. What could they do?

Eventually I Apparated back to the school. I stood before the mirror in my room, took my long hair, of which I had always been so proud, and held it in my hands. I almost cut it all off, but that seemed too much work. I bound it into a tight knot at the nape of my neck instead.

I nodded once, sharply, at my reflection. It was better somehow. Less frivolous. More serious, more dedicated. Colder, too, but that was as it should be. As I gathered up my cloak I resolved that I would be colder. I would take that cold and make it ice, and I would hide behind that ice. I would hide everything. And what I felt, if I felt at all, no one would ever know.

I would be granite, bedrock, stone running deep. I would stand ready, always- support the others, catch them when they stumbled, pick them up when they fell. Hold them when they broke. But I- I would never be broken. Never again.

---

They saw through it, of course. Dumbledore, Severus, Alastor Moody- the strange, eclectic little group of us, bound together by our determination to hold out as long as we could against the ever-encroaching darkness.

Typically, it was Severus who called me on it.

"What do you think you're playing at?" he asked one day several weeks after my family had been killed. We happened to be alone in the Hogwarts staff room at the time, and I knew he'd probably been looking for an opportunity to broach this very subject since that horrible day, when I came downstairs to dinner in the Great Hall with my hair in its knot and my face expressionless. I had been avoiding him for that very reason.

This is the trouble, you see, with having been friends for so long with someone like Severus Snape. He knows things about you that you don't even know yourself, and every little thing you pray he won't notice, he always does. When you are keeping something back, he may not know what it is, but he knows that you are hiding something. And he has the uncanny ability to be able to put it all together- what he has seen, what you haven't said.

Damn him.

"I'm not playing at anything, Severus," I said flatly.

He crossed his arms and scowled at me. "Really."

"Really." He forgets sometimes that the scowl doesn't work as well on his oldest friends as it does on his students. I knew him when he laughed more, smiled once in a while. And I do not forget- I do not forget anything.

"Because it seems to me that you are up to something."

I wanted to laugh, I really did. But I gave him my best blank look instead, the look that gave away nothing. I hoped. I'd gotten a lot of practice at such looks by that point. "No, Severus, I'm not."

He turned away from me, towards the staff room door. He raised his wand, flicked it once. Sparks flew from the end of the wand, and I heard the lock turn. "What are you-?" I started to ask, coldly.

Severus turned back to face me. His hand shot out and took hold of my arm. "Minerva-"

Oh, this was going to be hard. Harder than anything I had done yet. But necessary... all too necessary. "Let go of me."

I'd tried to say it in that same cold voice, to maybe even sound a little angry, but my voice betrayed me. And I saw him nod a bit to himself, as if this were only what he had expected all along. "Is that," he asked quietly, "what you want?"

"Yes." No! No, of course it isn't. But if I don't push you away... If I don't, then...

Instead of letting go he took a step closer. Then another. Another. "Tell me, then, what it is you think you're doing." His voice was quiet, almost- soft.

"What needs to be done, Severus. What I have to do." I hesitated, wanting to back away. Wanting to turn and run, because it was easier than facing this. "Did you need something?"

He shook my arm, hard. "I want you to stop asking that question of everyone- Do we need anything, do we want anything- and for the love of God tell me what you think you are doing!" The softness, if it had ever been there- suddenly I wasn't sure- was gone. Irritation and a touch of anger had replaced it. "You're avoiding me- hell, you're avoiding all of us. You don't come to meals anymore- Merlin's ghost alone knows if you even still eat- And you are running yourself ragged, trying to be everywhere, do everything, fight every bloody battle as if it were yours alone. I can easily foresee a time when you go off to challenge Voldemort to a wizards' duel-"

"Have you become Sibyll Trelawney now, Severus?"

He scowled at me again. "Damnit, Minerva- What do I have to do? What will it take to get through to you?"

"You-" I sighed and shook my head. "Severus, I can't even explain. I'm- I'm sorry."

"You're-" The scowl deepened. "You haven't even heard anyone's condolences for your family, have you? Too busy hiding yourself off from everyone, I suppose. Well, if it matters- and it may not, God knows- I am sorry. Your brother-" He shrugged, looking uncomfortable. "Taliesin was- He'll be missed."

I almost smiled. "He was the only one of my family who didn't think you were evil incarnate, Severus. He used to tell people off for making fun of you. I remember once, when you and I were in second year-"

"That's it, isn't it?" he cut me off, understanding sparking in his dark eyes. I could see him remembering then, Talley, who had taken my Slytherin friend at face value, never questioned our relationship- Talley, who was always there for me when the rest of my family was too busy... The brother I had always loved best of all of them. "Yes, I thought so. You cared for them, they were killed. Thus- If you don't care for anyone else, we'll all be safe."

Damn. He had figured it out. Severus being Severus, I'd known he would do so sooner or later. Miserably, I stared down at the carpet, worn by centuries of teachers' feet. I felt his hand catch my chin, tip my head back up. I didn't fight him.

"And?" he asked.

"I got there," I whispered, "just as the Dark Mark was going up. I saw him. He made certain I would see him."

Severus swore. He didn't have to ask who it had been; he knew. "Lucius."

I nodded. "Lucius. Our old school chum." Sighed. "I'd almost have rather it was Dora Clearwater- Dora Lestrange, now." Once my best girlfriend, a pretty, sharp- tongued Ravenclaw. How sharp her tongue had been, it had taken me too long to learn. "Not that I think she wasn't around somewhere," I muttered.

I felt his hand slide down my arm to grasp my hand. "Easier to keep your distance, then, hmm? Because the ones who aren't killed because of you are going to be the ones to betray you."

I didn't have the strength to answer, but I didn't need to. Severus nodded for me, and reached into the pocket of his cloak. "Here." He took out a clear crystal vial, pressed it into my free hand.

"What-?"

"Veritaserum." He hesitated. "You need someone you can trust."

I shook my head. "Severus, that's a controlled substance."

He raised his eyebrows at me. "Yes. And?" A small smile, then, "It is entirely up to you. Think of the opportunities, though..."

I looked at him for a moment, and then uncapped the vial. At the time I regretted that I could not simply trust him, take it on blind faith that he would not betray me. Now I know he drank the potion once a week, sometimes more often, at his own request in Dumbledore's office, once he had begun his most dangerous mission amongst Voldemort's forces. Severus was, ever and always, the first to suggest that he could not be trusted. Others agreed with him, as he had probably meant them to, but for those of us who knew him, really knew him, he became the one we trusted the most.

Severus nodded, and I passed him the vial. He swallowed three drops, and nodded. "Alright. Ask me what you wish."

I took the vial back from him and stowed it in my own pocket. Best not to leave things like that laying around, even in the staff room. "Try to lie to me, Severus."

"Why would I want to?" he asked.

There was an honesty in that question, a truth that seemed to touch a deeper point than I'd thought even the Veritaserum would get to. It seemed almost unfair.

"Humor me," I said.

His expression grew thoughtful. "You really don't trust me, do you? Well, you probably shouldn't. I'm going to-"

"Just try to tell me you're a first year or something, so we can get on with this." No plans. Not from him. I didn't want to know what my old Slytherin school friends had in mind, what they were up to. Not anymore.

If he were going to betray me, I would rather meet the knife in my back in the dead of night, then see it coming.

"Very well. I am a-" He paused, attempted to say what I'd asked- "Professor at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry."

I nodded. "What do you teach?"

"Fly- er. Potions."

I was beginning to, in a sick sort of way, enjoy this. "Aren't you the head of a house?" I smiled, then mouthed the word "Gryffindor".

"Yes, I-" I could see his lips moving, see him trying to say Gryffindor, but what came out was, "Slytherin." Then, quite unexpectedly, "I-" Again he started to say something- 'despise', I think it was- but what came out instead was, "I love you, Minerva." He was blushing furiously by this point, but still continued on. "And I would never do anything to hurt you."

"Oh, Sev..."

He looked at me, then down at my hand, which he was still holding. "You didn't need to hear that, and I didn't mean to tell you. But I-" He shook his head. "I don't know. I'm sorry."

"Severus... I- You know I can't answer it the way that it deserves to be answered, not now. And you know why."

He reached for my other hand- I met him halfway. "Say what you will- you know I'll keep your secrets. And if it comes to it, I can look after myself. I've been doing it for a long time."

I shook my head. "If I love you, I am only going to lose you. One way or another. I know it."

"No," Severus said, "you won't."

"Promise me?"

He sighed. "I can't. If I could lie-"

"Would you?"

Another sigh. "Probably not."

"Getting soft, Severus."

"Mm. Perhaps a bit." He dropped my hands, gently cupped my face between his palms. "Minerva- You do not have to do this alone."

"Yes, I do," I said.

"No. You don't."

"I hate you, Severus. I loath you, I despise-"

Before I could finish that statement, he kissed me. I had- believe it or not- been kissed before, but never like that, and never by Severus Snape. Nor ever in my life by a man who had just told me that he loved me. It was magic of a kind we had never learned in school, the kind that nothing save life can teach.

"Do you really?" he whispered against my lips.

Mutely I shook my head, and pulled him back to me with the desperation I felt so often in those days, the desperation that sometimes seemed to cover everything.

He drew back. "Careful," Severus said quietly- that voice, like silk, like velvet, enveloping me- "I think- Yes, you've a drop of Veritaserum on your lips."

I smiled. It was the first time I had done so in a while. Then slowly, deliberately, I licked the drop of Veritaserum from my lips and swallowed it. "My turn," I whispered. "It is, after all, only fair."

He smiled thinly. "You may regret that, my dear... What the hell are you up to?"

It was, I'd realized then, a truth I was probably going to have to tell him, Veritaserum or none. But I will not say that the potion didn't make the words easier.

"I've seen what becomes of love, Severus, and it isn't pretty. I loved them, and it cost them everything. They died because of me- because I loved them too much. If they hadn't mattered to me, or if I hadn't let on that they did, they might still be alive. And I can't stop caring about you or the others, but I can stay away, far away..."

"How foolish...how stubborn...how Gryffindor."

"It's better this way, Severus."

"Really. For who, exactly? You're always asking us what we need- well, what if we need you? For so long you have been our steadying hand-"

"And I still will be! I meant to be granite, Severus- foundation, anchor. However I can I will hold you up."

"And the rest?"

"No, I- I can't... But God, how I want to."

"Minerva-" He sighed. "I cannot believe I am the one who must say this, to you. It should be the other way around... Oh, very well. If I must, then I must." He stared directly into my eyes, never blinking as he said, "You know better than most what we are up against here. Should we fail... Should we fail and die in the failing, wouldn't you like to not have any regrets? Or at least one fewer? Wouldn't you?"

I had to admit that I would.

"Now, about that lovely little truth potion... Do you really, truly hate me so?" he asked.

"Of course not. I love you. But I still don't see how-" I was interrupted before I could finish.

"No one has to know. Probably best if they don't, considering. Only you and I- And really, what else do we need?" Severus asked.